Linda - The Diva Queen

September 19th, the day before my 32nd birthday, my fabulous mother-in-law Linda passed away from terminal cancer.  It was a sad yet glorious day. We had a big pot of chili that day to to thank all of her friends and neighbors for their generous displays of love and support.  Linda was getting sick enough that it was time for her to move to our house in Savannah.  She was so weak that Saturday.  I don’t think she even really woke up save for a few brief moments at a time.  At 6:15 that night, she passed away with her youngest son, my husband, holding her, stroking her hair, and loving her as she passed away.  It was devastating and surreal, and I can’t imagine anything ever being the same again.

Although it has only been a few weeks, I have learned throughout the whole process that loosing someone you love is not easy, but it can be bearable.  Looking back over the past few months, I have developed several creative coping skills that I believe to be extremely helpful when dealing with loss.

1.  Be Emotional

Yes, let me say it again. Be emotional.  It is okay to cry, and it is even better to laugh through your tears.  Now is the time to be the basket case you feel like being, and regardless of what others think of you, it is healthy.  Bounce back and forth between sadness, anger, laughter, love and peace.  Make the full circle.  Feel what you feel.  People expect you to be sad, yes, but at this time more than any other, it is okay to be a bit emotionally insane.

Emotions A Plenty

Talk about your loved one with friends and family.  Laugh and cry.  Sometimes it is hard, but not talking about them can stifle your emotions and block you emotionally.  That’s bad news bears, especially if you are an artist. Not facing your emotions or accepting what is can have dire repercussions in the future.  If you don’t deal now, you WILL have to deal later.  The inability to accept current circumstances is the number one reason for most people’s unhappiness and suffering. Accept what is, feel the accompanying emotions, and then let them slide away.  This is the only way to heal.

Be very careful not to stay stuck on one emotion.   Sadness and anger can both cycle out of control if you place too much emphasis on them, so find ways to stay positive.  Often this can mean celebrating a person’s life rather than their death, clinging to your faith, or eve throwing a party in the lost one’s honor.  Another way to regain a sense of possibility and thus positivity is to entertain your inner child (see below).

2.  Surround Yourself with a Support Group

Linda and the Girls

I am still amazed at the out-pouring of love and support throughout everything.  I remember myself as a little girl in south GA.  I was the little girl sressed up frilly sitting on a chair in the middle of a funeral reception watching all the church ladies load plate after plate of of fried chicken and cassaroles, cakes and cookies onto the family dining room table while taking turns washing dishes, handing out tissues, and praying. All of the adults looked stiff and sad, and all I wanted to do was run outside and climb a tree. The funeral arrangements just seemed to happen while the family and friends gathered unceasingly for days.  I didn’t understand it at all when I was younger, and some of the madness still eludes me, but I now understand that people were gathered as a support network.

Linda’s support group (and ours) consisted of many friends and neighbors that were a bit more colorful than those church ladies of old.  When she found out she was sick, two of her girlfriends were there with her – they cried and then took her to drink Mojitos.  When her health would no longer allow her to be alone in her home, her friends volunteered to stay with her on the days and nights Al and I couldn’t. We made a schedule and posted it on the fridge.  It felt like a constant spend the night party.  Joyce and John continued to clean one of her clients houses, and then brought her the cash every week since there was no insurance.  Friends visited daily.  People cleaned her house, went to the grocery, and brought over fresh flowers.  Nurse Sherry from Hospice (Linda liked to call her Nurse Hatchet) became a friend, as did most people that met Linda. Our friends doggie sat, fed us, helped us move Linda’s belongings after she passed, provided additional storage, and showed an incredible amount of love.  And now, we are still getting donations from people to help pay for the expenses, and we are forever grateful.

I have no idea what we would do without all of these amazing people.  They were and continue to be our support group.  We allowed them to be our support group.  When grieving, it is easy to push people away.  It is harder to let down your guard and accept the help and support of others. Accept it.  In this world, everything is change, and loss is inevitable.  It is our common sense of humanity that drives people to help when times are hard.  It is give and take.  Offer support when you can, and take it when it is offered.

3.  Exercise in Fun Ways

Linda's Earth Cruiser

Mood-lifting endorphins are released when you exercise.   It helps you feel better, and it gives you time to relax your mind. The trick is finding the type of exercise you ENJOY!  Don’t drag around doing anything you hate.  You of all people know that life is too short for that.

Besides bike riding there are tons of other things you can do.  There are other fun “exercise” options too – dancing, gardening, cleaning, walking the dog, playing with kids or animals, and playing games like softball or corn hole.  Find something physical to do. Yes, even sex is permissible!

4.  Live in the Moment – Don’t Avoid the Present

The last thing we want to do in uncomfortable moments is to submerge ourselves in them completely, but it is very important to fully experience your feelings as they occur. It helps to develop strength, and it keeps you from regretting the things you could’ve or should’ve said or done later.

When I started spending most of the week with Linda, I was doing a chapter from the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron which required that I deprive myself of any reading or television for a week.  It was a hard week, because I was constantly thinking about Linda’s sickness. But, it was also amazing, because I didn’t have any distractions, so I was able to fully be in each moment and enjoy our time together.  I remember being awed by the sky and nature and finding an inner peace that I hadn’t had in a long time.  We often live in our heads, in the past, or in the future, but we can only find our true selves and identify with our own spirits in THIS moment.

Now, I grant you, there are times when a little distraction is healthy and necessary.  For instance, I scheduled a good cry by watching Legends of the Fall for the umpteenth time.  I knew I needed to drop a few tears because I was feeling a bit angry.  For me anger is often a cover up emotion for the need to just cry it out.  I took the cue.  It was purposeful.

5.  Entertain Your Inner Child

When someone you loved goes away, it can zap your sense of possibility and suck out the love you have for life if you aren’t careful.  One way I have found to rebuild feelings of hope and possibility is to get in touch with my inner child and entertain her.  I made a list of things I used to do when I was a child – things I used to love.  Coloring books and crayons, biking, spending time outdoors, sewing, baking, making up songs, and writing were a few of my favorite things, so I have taken time out to do these things.  I feel like I have picked up where I left off at age 8.  When you were 8, the skies were the limit and the world was full of magic. Find that magic again by entertaining your inner child!

We painted birdhouses

Container Beautification

My new sewing machine

For my birthday, I got a sewing machine, and I have used it to make new curtains for the kitchen.  I am also planning my Halloween costume.  I’m gonna make it myself, like my Aunt Ruth did when we were little.  I make it a point to ride my bike as much as possible, and I sometimes even sing the Wicked Witch of the West song while riding.  I sing as I clean the house, I painted new homes for my crayons and markers, and I wrote and drew my own Artist’s Prayer and hung it in the studio. I am finding the wonder in each moment.

My Artist's Prayer

6.  Rework Your Goals Visually

Brainstorming my Goals

The week after Linda died, I tried to return to work.  I stood in the middle of my studio and had no idea where to begin.  I felt drained of all previous notions of my purpose.  I felt lost.  So, I sat down in the middle of the studio, and I listed all of my goals near and far.  I brainstormed what I wanted and the steps it would take to get there.  I made a poster and hung it on the wall.  Now when I feel lost, which still happens, I look at my goal sheet, drink a cup of coffee, and make my daily to-do list. The goal sheet helped me to reevaluate my life, my career, and my own desires while providing a way for me to establish a plan of action.

If you have never lost someone close to you, the feeling is very strange.  There is a shock factor that renders your brain quite stupid.  It’s like insta-ADHD, and it lasts for days or weeks.  It helps to make lists and revisit your personal goals.  It helps to put your life back together after a loss and to return to a regular schedule.  Don’t be too hard on yourself.

7.    Decorate Your Life

One of the strangest things I have found while grieving is that I have begun decorate my life.  Often as an artist, I spend all of my time working on paintings for sale or commission, and although I am completely capable of decorating my house, I just never really have.  I guess I thought it was a waste of time.  Since Linda got sick, I have reorganized and rearranged my studio to include a calming fountain, a radio and several candles.  I have made it comfortable and pretty.  I finally hung the curtains in my bedroom and painted a piece for above the bed,  I have hung Linda’s art collection around our house, and I am making curtains for my kitchen!

Collaging as Therapy

During my reading deprivation, I flipped through magazines making certain just to look at the pictures.  I tore out pictures of things I liked, and I made a mood board of all of my clippings.  It now hangs in my studio as inspiration for continually surrounding myself with things that are beautiful.

I don’t know if I was inspired by Linda’s desire to be surrounded by beautiful things or my own need to do “something.”  Maybe my own need to fully appreciate each moment and my surroundings played a role.  I just know that I want my surroundings and home to be beautiful and comfortable, and it is soothing to my soul.

I have been fortunate enough that I have not lost a lot of people in my life.  I am no expert on loss, for which I am eternally grateful.  These are just a few of the things that have helped me to cope with my loss, and I hope that they may help others as well.  I do know that talking about your loss can be healthy, and anything that feels like too much for you to handle can often be relieved by a little talk with the man upstairs.  Please, if you still need to seek professional help in dealing with your loss, do it.  You are alive, and there is a purpose to your life.  You need to be healthy enough to carry out that mission, even if you aren’t really sure yet exactly what that purpose is.